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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23148451">Nonbeliever Among Gods</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/hereforthephilindafics/pseuds/hereforthephilindafics'>hereforthephilindafics</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Atheism, Crying, Death, F/M, Nightmares, Post Season 5, Religion, Tahiti (Agents of SHIELD)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 10:40:38</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,040</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23148451</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/hereforthephilindafics/pseuds/hereforthephilindafics</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil Coulson is a brave man, but he is still afraid to die.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Phil Coulson/Melinda May</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>30</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Nonbeliever Among Gods</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This story was inspired by May's line in Season 6 when she says Coulson was afraid to die (I don't remember the exact quote and I refuse to re-watch Season 6 just yet because I am still in denial that Agent Coulson no longer exists in canon).</p><p>Anyway, that line go me thinking about how the only time we saw Coulson talk about his imminent death, he seemed like he had made peace with it. But what May tells Daisy paints a different picture. I started imagining a rainy night in Tahiti where Coulson wakes up in a panic. </p><p>I usually do not write (or read) angst because these two have suffered enough on the show, but this fic would not get out of my head. Also, I just re-watched 4x15 and ouch!</p><p>Coulson is depicted as an atheist in this story because that is my person headcanon for his character, mostly due to some interactions with other characters on the show where religion was brought up. I did not mean to offend anyone by writing him as an atheist, just a personal preference.</p><p>Okay, I guess I'll let you read the story now.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Melinda woke because of the screams, but they weren’t her own this time. She sat up and looked to her right. Phil was clutching the covers and screaming a string of “no” and “please” mixed with her name now and then. She sat there frozen for a moment. Usually it was her who woke him up because of nightmares. Even here in Tahiti they would not fade. No matter how much they drank, how hard they fucked, how long Melinda swam during the day, she was never exhausted enough to sleep through the night.</p><p>She reached out carefully and wrapped her hand around his bicep. “Phil. Phil! Wake up!”</p><p>His screams faded to soft whimpers as Melinda shook him. Phil’s breathing slowed, stopped, and then he woke up with a gurgle. “May...? What...you okay?”</p><p>Melinda wanted to punch him in the face. “I should be asking you that.”</p><p>Phil only blinked at her slowly, like he was so sleepy, and she was interrupting.</p><p>“You were screaming...I... usually you don’t do that. I thought...”</p><p>“It was just a dream. Not a big deal.” Phil shifted his body away from hers and went to turn on his other side.</p><p>Melinda blinked, the hand that had been resting on his bicep fell on the sleep-warm sheets. “Seriously? You hold me for an hour and whisper all types of crap in my ear when I wake up from a nightmare but when it happens to you, we are supposed to go back to sleep?”</p><p>Phil didn’t answer.</p><p>Melinda huffed. “Coulson, if you fell asleep already, I’m going to kick...” She stopped breathing so she could hear better. The sniffles were so soft she thought it was an insect or the ocean outside. “Phi...Phil?”</p><p>He turned slowly. His light blue irises seemed even paler because his eyes were so red. His cheeks shone with tears and his breathing was heavier. “I’m scared, Mel...”</p><p>“Scared of...death?”</p><p>Phil nodded. He clutched the sheets to his chest. “I thought I made peace with it. I did make peace with it. I was ready. I was willing...I’m just another selfish asshole because now I have you and I never had you like this, and I won’t have you for much longer. And if I had known how it would all feel right here with you, I’d have let the world be quaked open just to hold you forever.” Phil’s chest heaved with the sobs he had been trying to swallow. It looked like he had forgotten how to cry, it took a second for his body to release all the tension.</p><p>Melinda sat on the bed. There was nothing she could say that would console him, nothing that would make him feel better. His fear of death had started to mix with the delirium of what could have been if he were a lesser man. So, Melinda said the only thing that was true. “You’re a good man, Phil Coulson, and you saved the world.”</p><p>Phil laughed while crying. “Daisy saved the world.” He sniffled.</p><p>Melinda laid back down and scooted over to him. She placed her hand on his chest. “And you saved Daisy, like a hundred times, so you saved the world. You were the shield.”</p><p>Coulson smiled.</p><p>“And you are my shield.” She leaned closer and kissed his chest, planted her lips right in the middle of the black scars. “You’re not the only one who’s scared, Phil. I’m scared to be without you.”</p><p>He inhaled deeply. “Mel...you need to keep living...for the both of us. For Daisy.”</p><p>Melinda nodded. “I know. And it’s not like I can’t live without you.” She looked up into his eyes. “I know I can...I just...”</p><p>Phil sighed and pulled her closer, resting his chin on her head. “What do you think it’s like?”</p><p>“Death?”</p><p>Phi hummed, kissing her hair.</p><p>“I don’t know. Last time I died I only saw you.”</p><p>“If I see you when I go, I know I’ll be in Heaven.”</p><p>Melinda snorted. “You don’t believe in God, Phil.”</p><p>“Doesn’t mean God doesn’t exist though.”</p><p>“Would it help...this, if you were religious.”</p><p>“No. I would just be angry at God instead of the world.”</p><p>“What are you scared of? The most?” Melinda looked up at him.</p><p>“Forgetting. Not being…how do I explain this.” Coulson huffed. “When I was growing up, we were told about Heaven and Hell and how our souls would go there but no one ever told me what that soul would be like? Will I still be me? Will I know who I am? What makes me who I am, even now? That’s why religion is not a comfort.”</p><p>“I always thought about how I’d die, but never what came after. I was ready to die in the field, and then in that cubicle, both for different reasons. And then you dragged me out of it and gave me purpose and I no longer wanted to die.”</p><p>Melinda heard him inhale deeply, suppressing another sob. She laid her ear on his chest and closed her eyes. His heartbeat was steady. The lines on his chest had not changed and yet… the last few days they had been talking about death more and more. She wondered if Phil felt it coming. The darkness that wiped it all away. Would he be suspended somewhere, alone and scared, trying to go back to her without even knowing who he was looking for? Would he be happy? Sad? Apathetic?</p><p>And what would she be? After so long, so much wasted time. So much suffering, so much loss. How would she find the strength to start again?</p><p>“Daisy still needs you,” Phil said, like he could hear her think.</p><p>Melinda hummed. She shifted and got on her knees, flinging the shirt she had been sleeping in to the ground. “I’m tired of talking about death.”</p><p>Phil smirked. “Would you rather I made you feel a little death?”</p><p>Melinda rolled her eyes. “No matter how old you get, your jokes are still horrible.” She shrieked when he pulled her down and covered his body with hers.</p><p>“I did get better at other things though,” he mumbled, kissing down her neck.</p>
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